{ September 10th 2011 }

How hot is she?! 

I have some beautiful best friends.

(photography by Chris Arace)

I'm doing okay, i'm on my way.

Once upon a time, I was married to someone different then Andrew.
Once upon a time, I wore a different smile. A fake smile.
Once upon a time, I forgot that I was beautiful.
Once upon a time, someone made me believe with all my heart that everything about me would be better... if it was different.

Once upon a time, I allowed someone into my life and for years he ruin my self confidence, self esteem, self worth, goals, dreams, everything. Just because he felt like it! Imagine that! Imagine being that horribly unhappy with yourself that it made you feel better to cut someone down, so much, to the point where they were actively trying to change who they were every second.

Once upon a time, I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but heinous, and ugly flaws that I tried so hard to overcome. The sad part was those flaws I saw.. were not flaws at all.

This is me...

{taken 2.5 seconds ago}

I'm an imperfect person,

who thinks life is more fun that way.

This is me now ^

However a year ago,

this was me.

Now, that may look like exactly the same person. In fact, the second picture may look like a happier person! That's exactly what I hoped you would think, last year. That I was a happy person. In reality even when I looked my best, better then now, I hated everything about myself.

From the point of even wanting to file my teeth down because I felt they were too big, using things to make my eyes brown because someone told me they would like them better if they were brown. Starving to fit into size 24 jeans (which never happened) and hating how I looked when I could only fit into size 26 (which now, would never happen) I was misserable. I wasn't that way before him. I wasn't that way {for long} after him. But the truth is HE made me hate who I was.

I don't remember ever taking a picture I liked, back then. I said I looked fat, and ugly, and everything you could imagine picking yourself apart for, I did.

I find that most woman don't even realize the effect negative males can have on them and their self esteem. I went from being confident and happy to wanting to wake up as a different person. I cried every time I got dressed.. I even wanted to use that eye lash growth stuff "latiesse" just because I read it has a good chance of changing your eye color to brown. I was on board. I was the best hater alive, and I was fighting a losing battle.

I know how depressing this sounds. I know. But the truth here is ladies and gents, no longer do I hate my green eyes, or cry because I can't fit into size 24 jeans. No longer do I want to starve myself until I have the body of a 12 year old. No longer do I want to go to a dentist and file down my front teeth, or change my style just because it's what someone else finds sexy. In fact, I think half of the clothes I choose to wear my husband think's are hilarious.. but he doesn't love me for my clothes. Or my eyes, or my hair, or my taste in music, or my teeth. He loves me because I am Danielle Keider. Before he so graciously helped me become Danielle Keider I was Danielle Dudek. I was broken, he knew. He loved me and my pieces. He helped me glue them back together NOT by sitting and being a therapist (although I'm sure he has felt like one at times. Amazing man) No friends, Andrew Keider helped heal me by simply telling me 3 words. 

I. Love. You.

Literally I love you.

He loved ME.

Not all the things he wanted or had in someone else. He loved me because I was all those things, plus things he hadn't found in anyone else either. And it went both ways. I loved him for exactly the same reasons.

It's not only my amazing husband however, who helped me love me again. {Although I will openly say he is about 90 percent responsible for me feeling self worth again}

I after removing myself from the situation was able to step back, look, and realize I wasn't the one with the flaws. I was important, beautiful and worth it. It breaks my heart to look back at how broken I was, however I find great strength in knowing that I didn't give up. It took a lot of work, and God knows i'm still working, but today I stand a little taller. I smile a lot brighter and I finally love my eyes again. I finally feel sexy again. I finally am proud to be who I am. I will accomplish all my goals in time, and I am working hard for those. 

Something I learned a lot in the last year is the immense truth in the statement:

 "you can't love someone fully, until you fully love yourself."

I've been married for 8 months now. 8 amazing months. Filled with triumph, trial, happiness, and hardship. It hasn't been perfect, every moment. It isn't perfect now. It's hard, marriage is hard. But I love that man, and that man loves me. We've learned so much, and accomplished so much. At the same time we have accomplished so little, in comparison to what we will in the eternity we will be together. The biggest thing that has solidified my marriage and my relationship with my husband was coming to love myself. Finding that love for me has given me the ability to love him better. Not be bigger and more powerful then him, simply love him. 

It's amazing.

So if you are wondering why you're struggling, why you're possibly in a rut or things are just not at their best.. try taking a moment to love yourself. Be happy with you, and you will find the rest of your life will follow suit. 

Got it!?

Good :)

I love you, all of you!

{For the record, I really mean it when I say}

What is a mother

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.

It is to decide forever,

to allow your heart to go walking around outside your body.

Happy Mother's day to all you beautiful mother's out there. And I applaud you for being brave enough to make the decision spoken of above. I am so excited to join you, and I think most woman are! Becoming a mother is an amazing blessing, even I, who am not a mother can understand that. I have many friends with children and they try their best to explain it, but simply can never put into words the way their child has changed their life. One I have often heard is "I'm not sure how I went x years without her/him"

I find great comfort in the fact that I can not wait to have a child. I think this is because I had wonderful examples of Mother's around me all my life. I have an amazing mother, who loved me with ever fiber of her being. She prayed for me for 10 years before she was able to adopt me. She had a wonderful mother, whom was my grandmother. My Father has an amazing Mother, who is still with us today, teaching us every single second how to be better people. She is the epitome of a mother, in my eyes. 

Today I called her and said,

"Grandma!! It's almost your special day! Are you so excited that all those years ago you gave birth to John Albert Dudek?!"

She said softly, as I could hear the tears forming..

"Yes. I love him so much. And I am so proud of my son."

<3

I called my house and talked to my Mother,

I said are you excited for tomorrow mom?! It's your special day!

She said softly, as I heard deep gratitude.

"Yes, I love my children. And I'm so proud of you both. I mean I don't think anyone I know can say they have a daughter strong enough to support a soldier, and strong enough to have traveled all over the country. Going after life. You're incredible. Both my daughters are."

What is a mother?

To me a mother is someone who makes you feel safe. Who is there when you stumble, she doesn't judge you. She helped form you. She listens to you. She will always come to your rescue. No matter how loud you have screamed at her in your past, her love for you only doubles every time she see's you cry.

A mother is the woman strong enough to wake up every single day knowing a piece of her heart is walking around outside her body. 

I married a man this year, who one day will give me the great blessing of becoming a mother.

With marrying him I gained two more amazing mother's and today I am also so grateful for them.

I am so grateful for Andrew's mother.

She was brave and that piece of her heart walking around outside her body, 

completed my heart.

 I love her son more then anyone could ever imagine. I love her for raising an amazing man, a gentle, kind, and loving man. I love her for loving me. And accepting me for who I am, and who I have been.

I love Andrew's step Mom.

She is another amazingly strong woman. I love her for loving my husband as her own son, for almost all of his life. I love her for loving me as her new daughter.

I know so many amazing mother's.

For those of you who have lost your mother, she is here. You're still her piece walking around outside, the only difference now is she is watching you all the time from above, when before she would sit up nights riddled with worry, for that is what mother's do.

I'm grateful for Mothers,

and for the blessing I have of being a woman so I can one day (far far away day) become a mother too.

first play. Then read. Enjoy the experience. { welcome to life as I know it }

Here is a little fun experience.

If you want to jump inside my head as I go through my life.. here's how.

Play this song.

Wait about 15 seconds and then begin to slowly scroll down.
Really take the pictures in, look at their details.

My world, my mind and my life in my head is set to music, and it's made up of pictures.

I truly feel this way, at times it brings me to tears.

Happy tears, the best kind.

So try it out. 

Maybe you'll find yours does too.

{ Enjoy }

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That's a whole lot of pictures.

A whole lot of time.

A whole lot of beauty,

and a whole lot of life.

MY life. My beautiful life.

As I wrote this post I had the same song playing in my head that you were listening to. What I came to find was myself just smiling ear to ear. I sometimes forget how beautiful my life is. There is a lot of hard times that we all experience but when you take the time to look at your life in pictures, you realize that is truly is so beautiful. Pair that with an amazing song and all the sudden you are so grateful. So happy and so overwhelmed with joy. I ended this post with pictures of my husband, and myself. That is because in this beautiful life, he and our marriage are the most precious things to me. That is THE MOST beautiful. I hope you do this for yourself one day, test it out and feel your heart grow with gratitude. You will look at your life in a completely different way. And maybe.. just maybe you will start hearing music while you're driving on a beautiful summer day and begin to tear up just because you're alive. Don't be scared to feel such things.

I love you, friends!

And I love you, Andrew John Keider.